Fallen and Flawed

It’s a challenge to sift through the many dramatic events that happened in my life:

…the abortion I had at 18 when I was ignorant of the sacredness of life, that led me to a greater understanding of just how precious every child–both born and unborn–is. It’s still a painful memory that I oftentimes have to re-nail to the Cross. Oh, Praise our Savior Christ the Lord, that He is so willing to forgive such a horrid sin…

…the time we almost lost my brother over the Holidays, that taught me that Christmas is not about material presents and physical feasts…

…my relationship with the man who is now my husband, which began in filthy adulterous selfishness but was transformed by God into a beautiful Christian marriage. I look at the metamorphosis of rank peat into precious diamond, of ungainly caterpillar into graceful butterfly, of violent storm to scintillating rainbow…and see so many parallels of God’s transforming work in our own lives…

…the birth of my children, Zane and Tabitha. After my sin at 18, I decided I wasn’t Mommy material and resigned myself to being “mother” to pets instead. God had other plans for me, though, and Zane made his appearance in September 2002. Through my son, God taught me that I have far more patience and maternal capacity than I had ever imagined. He also forced me to grow up, to stop thinking of myself first and become more selfless. As time has gone on we’ve discovered that our brilliant, goofy little boy has sensory processing disorders that have pushed our patience to the limit and refined us as parents. God planted us firmly in the crucible and turned the heat up. Instead of making us fall apart, His work on our hearts had made us stronger in light of this situation. And when little Tabitha came along in December of last year, we’ve found ourselves even more inclined to pray and praise Him, than to argue and whine about tight finances and sleepless nights. We’ve discovered–just like God can take a mass of sloppy dead bog plants and with time and pressure, can make the strongest gem in Creation–that we too are capable of becoming an unbreakable unit as well, as long as we turn to Him for strength and mercy.

I have so many more that I could detail…but I don’t want to turn this comments box into my personal novel. Demian, I found myself gasping and almost in tears as you related your own story. Your ability to take the tragedy and see God’s everpresent Grace in it is the hallmark of a Christian heart. Happy Anniversary to the two of you! Here’s to a continued lifetime of anniversaries, celebrated in the supreme eternal light of Christ Jesus.

–Denita

Denita: “refined us as parents.” Love it. Thank you so much for sharing your story. And thank you for the kinds words!

Wow, that’s intense.

Most dramatic event in my life…

while in college in tulsa, ok. one of my best friends from high school was killed in a car accident. The realization that neither I nor my friends were ‘invincible’ or ‘untouchable’ was a pretty sobering event. (gave ya the short version )

Growing up I used to play with the neighbor kids.
Our neighbor had a friend named Jason who was funny, intelligent, and loyal. He was the guy who was always the “life of the party.”
I became friends with Jason and we jet skied together, BMXed together, and hung out with a lot of mutual friends.
One day my sister called me to tell me that Jason had killed one of her friends with his truck, on purpose.
It turns out they were fighting over drugs and Jason decided to kill him.
Rocked my world.

@Ben: I don’t think I ever knew anyone to die while I was that young. I can see it being a sobering event.
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@Don: Wow.

In 2005, 15 years into a rocky marriage, we moved to the desert to lower our cost of living, and start chunking away money thus hopefully removing a major burden on the marriage. Six months later my wife began an affair with the tile man working on our house-so much for plan A. I was forced out of our house and began renting nearby. She did not desire reconciliation; three years later finds us divorced (but amicable).

This experience forced me to begin to deal with my own issues; my addiction to pornography, and to see that my faith was, as C.S. Lewis puts it, “built on a deck of cards.” My walk with Christ is more real, my joy more intense, my relationship with my 12 year old daughter more precious.

Found your blog via DGM, I’m enjoying it immensely. Thought provoking and challenging. Thanks.

WOW.

I read the post, and all I could say was WOW.

Then I read the comments, and had to say WOW again.

I am 33, happily married, three kids, and compared to what I read from here, have never had any real problems…

I can’t really name a defining moment in my life, for good or for bad, but I thank all you who share yours. It reminds me that there is much hurt in the world and that Christ is the great fixer of that hurt.

Many times it’s from the compost of pain that the flower of faith grows. As David said, “may the bones you have crushed rejoice”.

Thanks, everyone. You are encouraging.

Demian,
I was deeply moved to read about the circumstances of your step-father’s tragic death. I can only imagine what you went through by being there and witnessing it.
I’ve thought long and hard about the twin edges of pain; one side cuts while the other somehow heals. For me, there just doesn’t seem to be any real, noticeable growth as a Christian without pain. I wish it were not so. But it is.
I’ve already shared some of my “dramatic event” with you. In 2000, when my youngest daughter was 18, she was in a horrific car accident. Her best friend died instantly. They had to remove my daughter’s leg in order to extricate her from the wreckage. Her spinal cord is damaged. She spent four months in the ICU unit. And then several more months in a rehab hospital learning how to live life in a wheelchair and do all the things that we who can walk and control our bodily functions take for granted.
I’ll spare you the details, but after she came back home, and life got back to some semblance of normalcy, something happened to me that I’d never experienced. Something was wrong. I wasn’t myself. I was angry all the time, agitated constantly, short-tempered with everyone around me. Got fired from two jobs. I realized I needed some help and called the wise psychologist who gave me his business card when Anna was still in the ICU. At that time he told me that I should hold onto his card because while I wouldn’t need him now, I probably would need to see him in about a year or so. He was right. And I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.
I guess this also described my spiritual state as well. I thought her accident was somehow my fault. If only I was more obedient. If only I was more holy. If only I had changed this, not done that, done that.
Like Jacob I wrestled with God for quite some time. But also like Jacob, I came through it with a permanent wound and a much deeper understanding of God’s sovereignty, his unlimited grace, his boundless mercy and his unfathomable love for me and my family.
Today, my daughter lives with us. She gave birth to our only grandson a little over two years ago. From her broken body came one of the most wonderful blessings we could have ever imagined. As I am now helping to raise my grandson, who’s father is out of the picture, I am aware that this was part of God’s plan all along.
If it were up to me, I would have taken another route to get here. But I’m not the one driving. So I guess this is one of the reasons this event was so significant for me; I’ve learned how to let go of the wheel and enjoy the ride. While I don’t know exactly what’s up ahead, I do know my final destination.

@Martin: Man, I feel for you brother. My life, too, was one time built on a house of cards. Glad to see you are on this end of it, with Christ. I hope I can in at least some small measure help you live a vivid, meaningful Christian life. Thanks for reading.

@Kevin: Thank you, too, for reading.

@Richard: You’re story is absolutely sobering and brutal. And makes me sick to my stomach to think what you went through. I’ve got my own daughter…and…I don’t want to even contemplate that reality. Yet, as you said, look at the beauty that’s emerged from her wrecked body. More than ever I want to give you a big, fat, stinking hug. For minutes, friend. I love you and thank you for sticking around. [Btw: ever read Joni Erikson Todda?]

D,
Yes, Joni was a client of mine for a couple of years. I used to write her fundraising and newsletter copy. Met with her often. Have been to her house. We talked and prayed about my daughter on several occasions.

And thanks again for your love, brother! It truly touches me.

There is one day in my life that at least in the last two years since it happened has not faded one bit from my memory. In relations to your blog entry and the comment section, this is nothing, it shouldn’t be a blip on the radar screen. In fact if you asked the main player on this, it is just a faded memory

Before I get started you have to understand who I was when this started. Four years ago May, I became a Christian. I became a Christian because it was the logical thing to do, the choices that were laid out before me truly were two, buy a gun and shoot myself in the head or find out who and what this Jesus Christ was all about. Without getting into my sob story to much. I was a liar, a cheat, a very screwed up, tired, ready to die, apathetic person. To put it bluntly I hated what I was, I didn’t want to live. I think you get the point.

That May, I joined a Church and was very interested in the gospel, what I struggled with then (and still struggle with) is that I didn’t think the gospel applies to me.

Let’s fast forward a few months to September or October, when this church went out on a retreat and I went with them. They went out to Living Waters Bible Camp in Wisconsin. One of the activities that they had out there was a 50 foot climbing wall. A mother and daughter team started to tease me and taunt me to get up this wall. At first I thought okay whatever. I would try and most likely fail, that would get them off my case. Well I did try and of course with my attitude I did fail. Over the next several months I grew in my understanding and love of Christ, but in the back of my mind I could not understand why in the world anyone would love someone like me.

The following summer I went back out to that camp to serve as a dishwasher (that was a learning experience on serving), and the daughter was out at camp too. Lo and behold I had to come face to face with that climbing wall. I had become closer with that family and it puzzled me why they would care about me they were extremely good people.

I tried to climb again. I wanted to climb it again. Other friends of mine was cheering me on, and here was the daughter who climbed up ahead of me and was at the top was leaning over and encouraging me, telling me to pray for strength and to rely on God, telling me all the things that I needed to hear.

I climbed further than I did the first time and then for my hands went numb. I couldn’t go up and I couldn’t go down because of the strapping device. I felt like such a failure, I tried so hard to climb and I couldn’t go any further and they had to get someone to help me get down. I felt like a stupid moron. I felt like such a failure and so humiliated. They got me down to the ground and I was in tears of just humiliation.
The daughter comes flying out of nowhere, (no clue how she got down) and came to hug me, and told me she loved me.

At that moment I finally began to realize that maybe just maybe I had worth to God and people and that he put me in that position to learn that.

If you want to read a better account of that day you can read what I wrote at:

http://fromdeathtolife.com/2006/09/03/the-success-of-failure/

P.S. The next year, had a chance to do the wall again, climbed up it and did the zip line, with that same girl, finally got up there, it was a real let down.

Todd: Fabulous story. Don’t feel intimidated by the others. And I’m sure if you live long enough, you’ll have a tragic one to tell, too. Not that I advocate that for you.
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But tell me…how’s your walk with God? Are you growing spiritually? Is your prayer life rich? Sin decreasing?
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The reason I ask is because your story of suicide or Christ is the same as mine.
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I was once a penniless, pathetic, adulterous drug addict, too. And I said either shoot myself or Christ. Only thing is, that kind of plea bargain with God didn’t end up as a true conversion for me. It wasn’t until ten years later that I truly denied myself, took up my cross and followed Christ. So, just curious.
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By the way, Living Waters…is that Ray Comfort? Thanks for sharing Todd.

Demian-
I do have plenty of tragic stories to tell that have truly affected my world, but nothing and I mean nothing will top what God did through this young woman.

For me depression, hopelessness, death etc are easy.

For me the hard part is living. The hard part is believing that the Lord of Lord and King of Kings chose me before time knowing full well who I was and what I would be and Him still wanting me as one of his Sons. In order to do that he gave up His first begotten Son, who was killed, suffered the wrath of God for my sins, and rose again. He traded His perfect Son for a screw up like me.

You ask hard/blunt questions. I will return the answers in the same way.

God took a hold of my life and he is transforming me. He has put extraordinary people in my life who are my friends and who are praying for me, encouraging, teaching, holding me accountable and loving me.

I am growing spiritually, I am hungry for God. My prayer life is rich, still learning to pray better, needing to focus my prayer that praise HIM and glorify Him. My sin has decreased enormously since I have given my life to Christ.

With that said that doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle. The enemy (world, flesh or devil) and one of my weaknesses is my depression. The enemy uses that to try to destroy my faith and hope.

I am 42 years old, single, and probably no prospects of getting married. I want to serve God with all my heart. I will go where he wants me to go.

He is slowly transforming me and by no means am I close to completion. I do believe he has started a work in me. I just can’t let the enemy steal the hope that God will complete it.

I struggle everyday on how much Christ loved me to die for me on the cross. What in the world does he want me for? (I think Isaiah 48:9-11 answers that question, still trying to process it). The sad thing is how quickly I run to my old habits (mostly in the purity realm) to make myself feel better forgetting, the consequences and the insult that I do to Jesus Christ.

I do know this, there is no good in my flesh, everything good that comes from me comes from God and that who I am now is due to his work in me, and HE will complete his work in me.

I have realized that everything that I do is dependent on a submissive spirit to God and that He will provide the means to deny myself and give me the strength to carry my cross.

Pray that I continue going where God wants me to go.

“For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.”
(Romans 7:18 ESVS)

“But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.”
(1Corinthians 15:10 ESVS)

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ”
(Philippians 1:6 ESVS)

Todd, my dear Christian brother, you are beautifully, wonderfully broken and ruined for Christ and Christ alone. In your pain I also see such Grace and Mercy that He has visited upon you.

Know that you are loved, not just by Christ whose love is far more infinite than anything this mere heap of crafted dirt can offer in her comments, but also by more Christian siblings than you can wrap your mind around. We are like the dust–insignificant, but we are also numerous beyond count. Your family is big, Todd, and we all love you.

I will pray for you: That you continue in your walk with the Great Physician, that our Almighty Father perhaps delivers to you a godly woman who edifies and refreshes you if it is His will, and that you find a measure of peace and rest in your heart; knowing that a Man beyond all measure treasures broken vessels like us.

Your Sister in Christ,

–Denita

Thank you Denita, I appreciate your kind words. Words I needed to hear.

Todd: Know this…I ask you hard questions cause I love you and am concerned for you. And I appreciate buckling down and answering them as you did [by the way, you neither came across, blunt or hard]. Demonstrates a maturity lacking in the church. You are on the right road. Examining your faith is biblical as well as having this sort of dialog you and I are having. You have my prayers. But you also have my honesty…and I hope I have yours. In the long run we do well when we are honest with each other. Jude commands us to have mercy on those who doubt, save others by snatching them from the fire and to others in sin show mercy with fear. That takes guts and honesty. But speaks of real love when we risk pain and rejection to do that. Todd, as you know, the Christian walk is not easy but the Bible is clear on this: God majestically uses people who lay themselves out completely before him and I hear you doing just that. Continue my friend to walk in the grace of God. You have my prayers and my love and support. Sincerely, Demian.

Amen to your post above Demian! The Jude passage that you quote above is one I focus on. I hope, God willing, to be one of those people who will be snatching people from the lake of fire. I agree that it takes genuineness, honesty and guts.

I would take questions like yours any day of the week to the everyday sarcasm and snarkiness of people. If even in our fellowship we put thought into the way we interact, if we interacted with sincere, honest, accountability and genuineness how our would be transformed.

Most people are scared of honesty, I think, because they might just have to take a good hard look at their spiritual condition. I say this with fear and trembling knowing full well that God has a lot of work to do with me.

Todd: Lot of work with me, too, brother. We’re in this together. It’s a pleasure to meet you and a pleasure to know you. Look forward to hearing from you again.

I actually have two that stand together like twin towers.
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They both involve my son’s Ryan & Joshua.
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My wife’s pregnancy with my first son was normal all the way through delivery. The doctor even gave Ryan a good score soon after he was born.
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A day into our new life as a family, a nurse (thank God she was sharp as a tack) was in the room with us as I was holding my son sitting in a chair in the hospital room. The nurse calmly asked if she can have him, and stepped out in the hall where the light was better for a moment. I had no idea what she was doing. She came back in, handed him back and left. She came back a few minutes later and took him away to the nursery as standard procedure. Little did we know she hooked him up to some monitors to find out his oxygen levels where dropping on and off. She called a specialist from Cardinal Glennon Children’s Hospital to come in.
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Pretty soon what seemed to be normal intro to parenthood changed completely. A neonatologist told us our son was having seizures and he needed to get him over to the hospital immediately for test.
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I can’t explain the thoughts that were going through my head. Ryan was carted off in a massive incubator on wheels and off into an ambulance.
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My wife was released from the hospital 2 days early to run off to Cardinal Glennon Children’s Hospital. I will never forget the long trek we had to make from the parking lot through the construction walkway that weaved through the huge addition they were adding on to the hospital. It seemed endless on a chilly October night.
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NICU. Neonatal intensive Care Unit. If you have never been in one, then you are blessed. It is one of the most humbling places you can enter. Most of the babies in this room were premature at birth. Some had some serious issues. It is hard to walk through the room without your head turning and staring at a 2 ½ pound baby.
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A very nice nurse walked us up to Ryan who seemed like a giant in this room compared to the other babies at almost 8 pounds. She handed a Polaroid picture of Ryan hooked up to all these wires. He was covered in wires that were all hooked up to him. They each had a purpose. They each were a different color on a different line on the monitor which measured every vital sign a creature can have.
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Ryan was having seizures. These seizures would cause him to stop breathing. He would turn white. The alarms would flare off and the nurse would just wiggle him, and then he would start breathing again.
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I never felt so helpless and useless in my entire life. There was nothing I could do. There were no answers. There was just sit and wait.
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Fortunately, we have faith. I took it to God. I had everyone I know take it to God. God was the only form of stability in this situation.
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Soon, an army of specialist, doctors, residents, and students would begin looking into what was wrong with my son. He had all kinds of scans completed.
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It turns out he had a stroke at birth. Would he be able to walk, talk, run, throw right handed or left? No one knew a thing. Would he live? No one knew a thing.
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The first think they did was worked up the right dosage of medication to make his seizures stop.
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Family, friends, and church members all came by to visit with us, see Ryan, and pray.
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The medicine worked. The seizures soon disappeared in a matter of a couple of days.
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Each scan showed the bleeding in the brain shrinking. Soon Ryan was moved to a different room with less serious cases.
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In the matter of a week from thinking our son was not going to make the doctors came by and asked us if we were ready to take him home. It was a flat out miracle. They could not really explain it.
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We brought him back for a couple of check-ups. After the second check up, the doctor said don’t come back anymore.
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Ryan is 6-1/2. He loves school. He plays sports. He has no side effects. He is truly blessed.
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This is the first Mountain. I still have another one right next to it. God was not done molding me or my family.

Holy moly, dude. Incredible story.

The next tower standing right next to the first tower involves my second son Joshua.
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I believe it was a February morning. My wife was 18 weeks pregnant with my son. We knew he was a boy because I could not handle not knowing and we had just had a interesting experience at the doctor’s office. During the ultra sound the technician found a mysterious strand running along the uterus walls almost like a pole. My wife and I were freaked out. There is some technical term I would not even attempt to spell. We had to go see a specialist in St. Louis over at Washington University Hospital. They made it sound harmless. And we left feeling better until that morning.
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I remember my wife saying something is wrong. I am leaking water. What?
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It was a Saturday. The emergency room experience could rank as one of the worst I have ever had. I am sure it is up on my wife’s list. First, sitting for a few hours in the lobby wondering what is going on.
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Then we got in back. An emergency room doctor is not a doctor that specializes in women or babies. I had to endure some dude with an accent examine my wife and run quick test with quick results. Yes this is amniotic fluid. The baby will not make it. Well gee, thanks for the info pal. I had so many emotions running through my head. This room was cold and bitter. I remember crying. I remember being in a state of disbelief.
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Finally, a phone call came through. It was my wife’s doctor. The same guy who delivered Ryan. He knew what we went through before. He ordered my wife out of the emergency room over to the delivery ward.
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Now we were in a calm relaxing environment. Nurses that were there to comfort us. A monitor was hooked up to hear the heart beat. The baby was alive and the beat was proof.
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Saturday night and Sunday were brutal. No doctors on call. Our doctor was out of town.
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Family immediately rallied around us. I began reading Psalms. I still have my faith.
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Monday. Our doctor came in and laid it out to us. I trusted this guy. He goes to church with me. He shares my faith.
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He explained that my wife’s water broke. Based on historical data my son had less than a ten percent chance of surviving through this. Chances are my wife would develop an infection and she body would reject the baby and she would go labor and miscarry.
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Here were our choices:
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1. Have an abortion right now. Take no chances.

2. Take a chance and accept that in 10 days she could miscarry.

3. Take the chance and make it until 22 weeks where some children are born but have serious birth defects due to prematurity.

4. Take the chance and everything will work out.
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Our decision didn’t even take 3 seconds. We looked at each other and both agreed this is God’s child not ours. We were not going to give him up for anything. God would determine the outcome not us. Our doctor understood and was with us.
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My wife would remain on strict bed rest in the comfort of our own home for the next two months. She would shower every other day. She stayed on a low carb. low sugar diet to avoid any infections. She drank only water and lots of it. The high light of her week was a trip every Wednesday for an new ultra sound at the doctor’s office. They measured the baby and how much fluid surrounded him.
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The technician had another issue on the babies heart during one ultra sound. We had to pack up and run over to MO Bap Hospital to see a specialist. Once again, nothing wrong.
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The magic date we were looking for was 26 weeks. At 18 it seemed like an eternity to reach. When we got there, our doctor was excited. Historically, 26 week babies survive.
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He was not going to mess around. He sent us to our new hotel called Barnes hospital. My wife would be there for the next 4 weeks. It definitely was not like home.
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Anne had a swarm of doctors, residents, specialist, nurses, and students poking at her at all times of the day and night. Joshua was a rare case.
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Yes we named him after Joshua. In the old testament. Joshua never doubted the Lord and neither were we.
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At 30 weeks, he was born. That’s 10 weeks early. He was 3 pounds. There were at least 15 people in the delivery room. It was like a well orchestrated football game. Everyone had a job to do and it all worked out. He came out screaming like a cat. I swear, I have it on video.
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That made it easy on the doctors who were there just in case he came out not breathing.
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Its’ not over yet. We only got to see Joshua for a few minutes. He was shipped off to a special room to observe and checked out by special neonatologist.
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Next was waiting for the placenta to come out. As if my wife has not already been through enough. Her body still thinks she has 10 weeks to go. They had to take he in to do an emergency DNC. I am not sure what that stands for, but it like an abortion but they were taking out the placenta. It was the craziest thing next to watching the birth of my kids. If you were on the fence on how you felt about abortions and you witnessed this process, I think you would come out pro life. It is a vicious vacuum that tears away pieces at a time.
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Well you would think things would be starting to look normal. My wife recovered and came home. Joshua was at the special care center in Barnes. Things looked good.
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I swear Satan was challenging God just as he did about Job.
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We received a phone call from the hospital. Joshua has a hernia. They are shipping him over to Children’s. What does that mean. By the way that phone call was at 6:00 am. Great wake up call.
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Once again we found ourselves in the NICU. This one is bigger. This one has even tougher situations to be exposed to.
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We were fortunate enough to catch the surgeon as he was making his rounds with his team. This guy was tough as nails. Anyone who can open up a baby to fix it is top notch in my books.
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He looked right in my eyes (and my wife’s) and explain the situation. Then he said these words which I will never forget, “this is my bread and butter”.
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Unfortunately, we had to wait in the NICU for 5 weeks for Joshua to get from 3 pound to 5.5 pounds.
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Anne woke up with a fever about a week after the DNC on the placenta. Back to the emergency room. This time it was at Barnes. The experience was the same. It sucked.
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Finally, someone with some sense moved her back up stairs. Ironically, it was the same place she stayed for 4 weeks. The same nurses welcomed her with a puzzled look. “What are you doing back here?”
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The doctors warned us. Just the smallest amount of placenta remaining would cause an infection. The fever was the indicator. Back into the OR she went.
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The wheelchair trip from Barnes to Children’s was an adventure. We had to do that a few times until my wife could walk on her own.
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Time went by slow. My wife was at the hospital during the day, I would stay every night. We watched him grow slowly. He was moved to a small room in the rear of the NICU. He had all the color coded wires hooked to him. He was so small. It was wild holding him. It almost took courage. The nurses at the hospital amazed me. They could have them changed and wrapped up like a football in a matter of seconds.
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The surgery. Once Joshua was 5.5 pounds. He went in to get fixed. I remember them carting him off down the hallway.
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Pastor Jeff came up to the hospital. He prayed with us. He kept us company.
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The power went out in the hospital. Yes the lights went out everywhere. My heart skipped a beat.
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The power eventually came back on. We were scared. The phone rang at the desk. The receptionist said it was for me. It was the surgery nurse. “everything is fine”, We did not even know the power was off”. The emergency generators kicked on.
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The doctor came out about 2.5 hours later. Everything went as planned. He even had color pictures of what he did.
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Joshua will be 4 on May 9th. He is a little tank. He is awesome. He is a blessing. He is the other tower in my life landscape.
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I will never let my two miracles be declared as luck. They are blessings. They are miracles provided by God. The word luck is just an insult.