A Recovering Rage Addict Looks at Anger Management
Seems not quite right: A former–and still struggling–rage junkie would have something to say about managing anger.
But indeed. I do. Quite a lot. As you’ll see in a minute.
Let me start with this: I think “anger management” is an awkward, if not inappropriate, title.
See, anger is not managed. It is subdued. But not by you.
Let me explain.
A Tiny Bit of History with Anger
Anger issues usually get drawn out when someone gets married. That makes sense: Require two very different people to live together and conflict is bound to erupt.
It did in my marriage.
Funny, because before I got married, I thought I had it all together. Not much could rattle me. Then again, not much was required of me. People pretty much left me alone.
And since nobody called me out on it I honestly thought I was doing well. Until I got married.
You don’t see things like this coming: An apparent innocent statement causing your fists to clench. Or the simple neglect of things important to your spouse setting her or him on edge.
To make matters worse, you keep it up–and defend yourself endlessly. For the first ten, I don’t know, eleven years, that defined my marriage.
Here’s the deal: I didn’t want it to be that way. But anger defeated me. It worked me over. Manhandled me. I knew who was the master and who was the slave.
Of course, my wife took the brunt of this anger. Post-flare up I’d grovel. Break out the “anger” books. Burn the typical verses into my memory. Plead with God.
But inside of me I was still boiling. “How dare I go through this!”
As you might guess, the next round of heated arguments would reveal that I was not winning the battle…
I was STILL blowing my top and stomping about the house like a mad man. And things even got worse when our children were born.
Anger and Children
This is not scientific, but married people WITHOUT children tend to argue less. But once you involve wee ones and their round-the-clock demands, even greater disaster awaits.
Something you should know: All of this was before my conversion.
Why is that important? In spite of my best efforts to “conquer my anger” my wretched heart was doing the only thing it knew how to do: Defend and exalt self. Even over the children.
That meant my anger drifted from my wife to my first child. Then my second.
I’d lose it when they would fuss for hours during bedtime. I’d flip when they trashed the kitchen floor with their dinner. And stare them down if they nagged me while I watched a football game.
It wasn’t pretty.
But we managed to stitch along enough happy times that they seemed to enjoy themselves for the most part. Yet, they weren’t immune to my wrath.
This Broke My Heart–Kind Of
One thing that sobered me up was the recognition that my children were growing afraid of me. They said as much in their beautifully upbeat and jolly ways.
As you can guess, this broke my heart.
Sadly, I could bear being mean to my wife–but I couldn’t bear being mean to my children. So I vowed to hunker down and kick this wrath habit.
Fat chance.
My tactics to suppressing my anger amounted to walking away, counting to ten and simply trying to remember that I don’t want my children frightened of me.
The problem with this is that my anger was rooted in a wicked heart. And that just proved too much for me.
Understand: I’m not trying to excuse my behavior. I’m motoring to a point. And that point is this: Liberation from anger only comes through Christ.
Here’s what Jesus said about it:
But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. Matthew 15:18-19
In other words, a corrupt heart will only produce corrupt deeds. And my tactics amounted to thin cosmetic changes that didn’t fool anyone to the decrepit nature below the surface.
It was only when God regenerated my heart that I truly was able to master my anger.
But “master my anger” is the wrong phrase to use. Indeed, it was Christ who mastered my heart through the new birth.
And it has been the grace of God, a daily plowing of that heart with the Bible and an unapologetic infatuation with the majesty of Christ that has allowed me to experience any kind of victory over rage.
Post-Conversion Recovery from Anger Addiction
Dramatic improvements have come in my life since I was born again. The difference between the years before and after is as stark as night and day.
For example, remaining calm in situations that used to send me into a rage…I simply just don’t get rattled [as much].
No doubt, I am still recovering from many bad habits, including anger. But each day I shed a little more residue of the old man as the elements of the new accrue.
I do co-opt certain psychological strategies to manage my anger, like paying attention to what I’m doing, remaining calm and, most importantly, making sure I’m actively giving good quality time and attention to wife and children.
But I’m not brave enough to say I’m no longer a “rage addict.” Some people may not like that. But let me say this: I must keep that label in front of me because, left to my own devices, I will systematically destroy those around me.
It’s also biblical.
Why I Remind Myself of My History with Anger
Often, to drive a point home, the Apostle Paul would refer to his past when he was a legalistic Pharisee hellbent on prosecuting Christians. He remembered where he came from. And he wanted others to do the same:
Remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. Ephesians 2:12
Paul’s point: Denying your past is trouble because it leads to hubris and susceptibility to making the same mistakes in the future.
I don’t know about you, but I’d rather NOT do that.
So, in the end, if it not for Christ, I’d hopelessly remain a rebellious, self-absorbed misfit of madness–no matter how many neat tricks I employed to combat nasty hissy fits.
A Possible Defense of Rage
One objection remains unanswered: Didn’t Jesus rage about in the temple? Wasn’t that a vicious display of anger?
Yes. He did. And it was.
But there’s an important difference between his rage and our typical rage: He was angry at injustice and corruption–not from frustration or an unfulfilled sense of entitlement.
Anger directed at corruption or cruelty is okay. But keep in mind: Don’t sin when angry. Instead, use your anger as a motivation to change things.
Final Thoughts
In the end, if you want to overcome anger, you don’t discover the formula and then work that formula.
No. You must start with regeneration.
Then, and only then, can you slowly recover from a life dominated by rage and grow into a life dominated by a sublime sense that you are at peace with the creator of the universe.
There is no other way.
So, yes, a former rage addict does have a little something useful to say about anger management. And if this at all speaks to you, let me know. I’m truly interested to know what you have to say.
This post inspired by a reader’s question. Got a question you’d like me to answer in a post? Email me.
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22 Comments to A Recovering Rage Addict Looks at Anger Management
This one struck a chord with me…
Really good post.
RobFebruary 3, 2010
Humbling because it’s true. Marriage and children are the two biggest mirrors that show me what a self-worshiper I am. Jesus is my only hope.
Demian FarnworthFebruary 3, 2010
Wow, Rob, you just said in 26 words what I struggled to say in 1,300! Argh.
j sheltonFebruary 3, 2010
Yea right like you could get away with less than Rob’s 
But seriously, the first thing that frightens me about your post is that you said it was unmanageable before your conversion. I’m not trying to be something I’m not here.. but I would consider myself converted. I don’t know about you, but mine seems hereditary, if you will. My father was an incredible control freak, and my mother the hermit to his fits. My, and my sisters, have followed suit behind him. Not blaming, but it is a hand dealt to me. And yes.. I never realized I had a problem with it until marriage and definately after my son came along. It’s to the point where I have been quite bullying of both. The winter hasn’t helped either, between stressors at work, finances at home, stressors at home, not enough sunlight, etc… my temper has flared quite a bit. I guess what I”m saying is, I feel the regeneration coming in other areas.. and there has been progress made with the anger. But when it has caused your spouse to build up a wall, and the same comments come during arguments that used to, you start to feel like nothing is getting any better. Like I said in another post.. I’m VERY impatient with how long it takes to be changed.
Demian FarnworthFebruary 3, 2010
j shelton: I agree, I’m impatient too, and I don’t mean to paint a picture as if once you are a Christian you become a pollyanna. No.
We are all at varying degrees of sanctification. That’s why you can meet a well-bred, kind atheist and a gnarly, snaggle-toothed Christian. One’s had a good upbringing, the other not so much.
The difference, obviously, is the condition of the heart.
If you are certain of your conversion, then prayer is obviously a great place to remain. But also, maybe you need to take steps to heal your marriage. Your self.
Have you sought counseling–for yourself or marriage? [You don't have to answer that in public, by the way.]
I failed to mention this in the post, but my wife and I went through three months of counseling and it was a major contributor to us getting along better. An objective, third party can work wonders.
j sheltonFebruary 3, 2010
Well it’s nice to know of others struggling in the same arena. Other past areas of sin I would consider dramatic changes have taken place. So that gives me some hope. I’m convinced anger is one of the hardest things to shake. I think a lot of what Paul said: What I want to do, I don’t do. You guys say some prayers over me and my marriage, would ya?
AlyssaFebruary 3, 2010
Good post – and I’m glad you got on top of things Demian, especially for your children’s sake.
It’s also interesting to read the perspective of a “perpetrator” or sorts.
I am from the otherside of things – the daughter of a once-converted, later turned depressed/alcoholic/very rageful, Father. Let’s just say – my parents divorce was the best thing that ever happened for me, it provided escape.
So I know what it feels like to experience someone else’s anger, and but not so much to be the angry one.
Oddly despite that experience, I’m not a particulary angry person, or at least not until something major comes along. Generally I only experience “injustice” type anger which is hopefully less destructive! I think I have my mother to thank for that, she balanced things out somewhat 
.
A post such as this is very courageous because it requires self sacrifice. In keeping with Romans 12:1, you have offered yourself a living sacrifice in worship to God in order to serve and build up the faith of His people. Thank you.
To J. Shelton, I can relate to your hereditary anger from the paternal side. What I want you to know about me is that my conversion to Christ at least began when I was 20, and I’m still working through the details of my personality makeup ay age 67. I have put my wife and four children (now grown) through a kind of hell over the years, but God is faithful!
Don’t take this the wrong way, J.S.– it is meant to encourage you. Things get progressively better as I/we learn to trust our Lord in ever new and oft surprising ways. After 42 years, Cathy & I are more in love than ever, and all our kids love me just as if I had been the best dad on earth. See, along with the anger issues was my impatience. Had God just fixed me all at once, I likely wouldn’t have appreciated the magnitude of either my sin problem or His great deliverance of me from it.
Bottom line: God knows what He’s doing & in most cases can’t let us in on His plan ’cause we’d find a way to mess it up! Know this: if you weren’t converted and in the process of being prepared for His heavenly kingdom, chances are pretty good you wouldn’t care about the effects of your anger & impatience on your wife, kids and others. Say to our Lord Jesus, as Peter did, “To whom (else) should we go? For you alone have the words of eternal life.”
Demian,
Thank you for being so open and vulnerable here.
This is the topic that defines much of my life.
I recently read somewhere (can’t recall where) that behind most anger lies pain. That the reason many of us who have anger issues is underlying emotional pain.
Certainly true for me. Unlike many others here, I had no father, as he left when I was seven, and my mother’s response to keep five boys in line was to lash out in anger.
This was what I thought was normal relationships and parenting was, even long after I became a Christian.
I’ve had to work on unlearning two things over the years: first, that feelings and emotions are not the be-all, end-all. God’s Word is. The truth is the truth whether I feel it or not.
The second thing I’m learning is to give my pain over to Christ and let Him heal me in the depths of my being.
While I’m getting a bit better at controlling my instant anger response, it still is very much where the rubber meets the proverbial road for me.
My anger got worse after my daughter’s car accident about ten years ago, and I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress. This took at least three years to “heal.” And it cost me a couple of jobs back then.
So far, my anger hasn’t cost me those things that matter most. I did have some counseling and it helped a bit to learn that at times anger is the correct response. How I express that anger is the bigger issue.
I’ve been blessed with the most patient and forgiving wife on the planet. And as of yesterday, she’s stuck it out with me for 36 years. I do hope to make that an easier task for her for the next 36. But only by God’s grace.
And I must say that what Al shared in his post above brings me more hope than you can know.
Ooops. Sorry for butchering that fifth sentence!
Oh what a familiar topic this is. I won’t burden you all with the details of broken objects, broken furniture, broken bones, broken friendships…I’ve left a vast trail in my wake.
It was fear of what I could potentially do to my newborn son in my anger, that drove me to a starlit Texas hillside several Septembers ago; to plead with God for help. And He listened, and He has helped in ways I would never have expected! Praise God that He has worked such an alchemy upon my hot heart that I am more inclined to turn away and slam the door to my room, than to clench my fist and punch.
Oh–and to answer your question in a previous post, the sabbatical was great, Al! Had a refreshingly long conversation with God, and He helped me through some tough spots. Praise the Lord!
j sheltonFebruary 4, 2010
Thank you Al. What you offered was very encouraging. And thank you Denita as well.. It is nice to find another lady with a bad temper as well.
I used to rage like MAD! I was pretty violent too. A totally different person, really. Narcissistic.
And I too owe my recovery to the regenerating work of the Holy Spirit. Only after this happened did I learn how to love God and love others as I love myself.
Anger – control – it seems to go together.
Here’s the deal for me, I’ve been a Christian since I was a lad. That’s more years ago than I’m going to admit. I’m married, have two daughters and five grandchildren. This anger thing never seemed to be an issue for me.
That is – until I retired. For some reason retirement uncorked the bottle in which the anger genie lived.
Your blog and the comments has caused me to realize that for me, retirement = loss of control.
You see, in my business life I was the senior executive – I was the decision maker – I was boss!
Now that I’m retired – I’ve lost my position – my authority.
Ego – self-control – control of others – all these things are gone, so out comes anger. And the strangest thing is, when I give way to it I become such a jerk – to the point that my wife even laughs at the foolish things I do and say. Yep – you’re right this makes my anger even more vivid – my responses even more ridiculous.
Not very mature – not very Christian.
But very human – very sinful!
Denita – thanks for the suggestion – I’ll try a starlit Aussie hill tonight. Pray for me.
Demian FarnworthFebruary 5, 2010
Don: So appreciate your honesty. And I can relate on a micro level to your loss of authority feeling: Weekends with me can be a nightmare. If I’m not careful, by Sunday night my wife is kicking me out the door, tired of my bossiness, crankiness and down-right obstinancy. She calls it my “boardroom voice.” It’s very disheartening.
Thank you for sharing. I know that wasn’t easy.
DB, my dear brother, I will not only be praying for you, I’ll be right beside you in spirit.
Retirement has been well-known to send many people into a major tailspin. Often it’s not just loss of control that causes an issue, but also lack of productivity. You were busy for so many years, doing important things. Now your day planner is one empty page after another. Perhaps a productive hobby would be a good idea. One that gives you something to show for your efforts, glorifies God, and maybe even generates some extra income. You’ll be able to go to sleep at the end of the day satisfied at a job well done.
Denita – thanks for your suggestion. I wish I could use an empty calendar as an excuse, but I can’t.
This is my hobby – http://lumberjocks.com/Don
This is my church website & blog for which I am the “webmaster” – http://blog.hillsbiblechurch.org/
Hey now! I know about that last link, you!
Uh Don…you just mopped the floor with me. I clicked your hobby link and now I’m wishing I had a few spare grand to redecorate the room with.
WOW!
Demian FarnworthFebruary 8, 2010
Don: “Making sawdust.” Nice.
Demian FarnworthFebruary 8, 2010
Don: By the way, I’ve got a great uncle who sold his manufacturing company and retired and spends his time making furniture, too! Is a great hobby that makes us the beneficiary of some neat stuff.
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February 3, 2010